Gimmie Jesus on the Line
Gimmie Jesus on the Line
by p.l.carrico
Setting
Table and phone.
Tom... Depressed, yet jovial
Operator...Cunt
Tom Enters the room with a bag, humming Christmas Carols. He dances as he puts his coat on an imaginary coat rack. He kisses an imaginary wife on the fore head, humms as he sniffs the contents of an imaginary oven.
Tom
Right. Good day at work honey? Hmm? I brought you home a special gift. Yes I did! An anniversary gift... the boss, Mr. Spacely gave us a big bonus, this being Christmas eve and all. So I rushed out to the store, and just before the shops closed I bought this. Yes. A ring.
(Produces gun)
And you thought I forgot. Yes you did. I know you did. You thought poor old Tom forgot. Nope. And look here! A bottle of egg nog!
(Produces Whiskey)
Oh I love you too. I was thinking, after the holidays we could... well. Go away for a while. Maybe see the country. Does that sound like fun? Oh I love you too. Yes I do. Yes I do. No I love you more. I do too. No I love youuuuuu more. Ok. Maybe we love each other the same. See how real and pretty the stones are?
(Stares down barel of gun)
Six stones. Yes. Yes. Yes. Why dont you try it on?
(Points gun at imaginary wife)
You want to wait for Christmass morning? Do you? Yes? Well, maybe. It’s just so pretty. Hey? Ever heard a ‘diamond ring?’
(Puts gun to side of head)
I heard it.
(Pause)
Want a drink? Well I know I shouldn’t. But it is a holiday. It’s a holiday. Yes... Yes... But... But... wait.... listen. Here. Have a drink with me.
(Pours drink down imaginary wife’s throat)
Oh. You got a little nogg on you. You’re such a dirty bitch.
(Collapses behind table. Drinks and spins gun. Produces yellow pages and begins to shift through the pages while singing)
Joy to the world... Sewing machines... the lord has... Success... Come... Sui... Sushi... They daaa. da daaa... Sushi? Is that close enough?
(Dails)
And what bout the body...
(Ri ngs)
They flushed it down the potty
Sushi Restaurant
Hello. We are currently closed for the holidays. Please enjoy our Sushi prepared live by one of our arisian chefs, live in front of you starting Jan 2nd. If you have any other business, please leave your message after the beep.
Tom
Suicide hotline? I know it’s Christmas and all and I know you probably are all at home opening little timmys fire truck or eating a veagan supper and smoking pot and I know that this is strange call but...
Sushi Restaurant
Beep.
Tom
Hello. Ummm. I was hoping you could tell me who to call if I needed some suicide... suicide counseling. Ummm
Sushi Restaurant
Beep.
Tom
(Singing) And what about the body... flushed it down the potty...
(Thumbing through yellow pages. Dials number and operator appears at computer on headset)
Operator
How may I connect your call?
Tom
Hey operator?
Operator
How may I connect your call?
Tom
Information
Operator
How...
Tom
Get me Jesus... on the line. Operator... yada yada.... good friend of mine.
(Operator goes dark)
Tom
(Dialing) Joy to the world...
Operator
How may I connect your call?
Tom
I’m looking for a sushi restaurant.
Operator
City and state Please.
Tom
Yes. I agree.
Operator
What city and state are looking for this in.
Tom
Oh, any state will do. Say. What are you plans tonight?
Operator
City and State please.
Tom
I’m serious.
Operator
I’m going home.
Tom
Hey! I’m already there! When Can I expect you?
Operator
I’m afraid I’m going to have to terminate this call...
Tom
Seriously. I’m thinking of killing myself and I don’t have the foggiest Idea who to call.
Operator
911 sir. Would you like me to connect you?
Tom
Naw. I’m pretty sure I’d shoot myself if a police man came and took me to an emergency room to watch ‘it’s a wonderful life,’ at low volume while people bleed to death around me. What’s with it with suicide and the holidays anyway?
Operator
I am connecting you to your local emergency professionals.
Tom
Sweet!
(Tom hangs up. Drinks and stands)
Tom
Sohpia, baby. I have to tell you something. Mr Slate at the quarry didn’t give us that Christmas bonus. In fact there is no quarry. I telemarket. I’m broke. I spent my last dime on this ring. I sold my favorite watch to afford it. What? You cut off your fingers to afford a watch chain? How will you masturbate? OH I wish I’d bought that diesel powered vibrator like my mother suggested. Sophia? I have some more bad news. You don’t exist. I guess that’s good news, really. Your a real bitch. Joy to the world... (dails)
Operator
How may I direct...
Tom
We’ll meet again. Don’t know where.... don’t know when...
Operator
How may I connect your call?
Tom
I want to talk to a priest.
Operator
I can connect you to a local church if you give me your city and state.
Tom
Isn’t priced kinda high?
Operator
How may I direct your call...
Tom
So I called this number I saw on a bridge. It directed me to this call center full of sanctimonious basterds in call center... which was hilarious because I called from my own work at a call center. I wanted some kind of referral to a professional who could medicate me and slap me on the ass and get me back to my miserable life. The sanctimonious bitch on the other side implied I didn’t have the balls to do it, and my suicide talk was ‘an ask for help.’ See, I was calling her to ask her for help and after a twenty minute phone conversation she concludes I was asking for help. I did manage one number out of her. It was a doctor about 50 miles away. I dialed, got a machine. ‘Please leave your name, number and nature of your illness. If you don’t have insurance, dail this number.’ ‘That,’ number was the suicide hotline. Connect me with a senator.
Operator
How may I direct your call?
Tom
I want to speak to senator Gordon Smith.
Operator
City and State?
Tom
Portland Oregon.
Operator
I am connecting you sir. Please hang on.
Tom
(Singing) Well it’s a long long time...
Operator
Thank you for dialing 911. All our operators are busy...
Tom
Bitch!
(Hangs up)
Tom
Fido! Bring me my slippers. Bad Fido. Not the head of my infant son!
(Dails phone)
Tom
When somebody loves you... it’s no good in less they love you...
Operator
How may I direct your call?
Tom
There are emergency rooms, I know. But are there... what am I looking for here?
Operator
I don’t know sir.
Tom
(Sighs and drinks heavily)
Operator
Would you like to be connected to 911?
Tom
Yeah, you better.
(puts down phone)
Fade
by p.l.carrico
Setting
Table and phone.
Tom... Depressed, yet jovial
Operator...Cunt
Tom Enters the room with a bag, humming Christmas Carols. He dances as he puts his coat on an imaginary coat rack. He kisses an imaginary wife on the fore head, humms as he sniffs the contents of an imaginary oven.
Tom
Right. Good day at work honey? Hmm? I brought you home a special gift. Yes I did! An anniversary gift... the boss, Mr. Spacely gave us a big bonus, this being Christmas eve and all. So I rushed out to the store, and just before the shops closed I bought this. Yes. A ring.
(Produces gun)
And you thought I forgot. Yes you did. I know you did. You thought poor old Tom forgot. Nope. And look here! A bottle of egg nog!
(Produces Whiskey)
Oh I love you too. I was thinking, after the holidays we could... well. Go away for a while. Maybe see the country. Does that sound like fun? Oh I love you too. Yes I do. Yes I do. No I love you more. I do too. No I love youuuuuu more. Ok. Maybe we love each other the same. See how real and pretty the stones are?
(Stares down barel of gun)
Six stones. Yes. Yes. Yes. Why dont you try it on?
(Points gun at imaginary wife)
You want to wait for Christmass morning? Do you? Yes? Well, maybe. It’s just so pretty. Hey? Ever heard a ‘diamond ring?’
(Puts gun to side of head)
I heard it.
(Pause)
Want a drink? Well I know I shouldn’t. But it is a holiday. It’s a holiday. Yes... Yes... But... But... wait.... listen. Here. Have a drink with me.
(Pours drink down imaginary wife’s throat)
Oh. You got a little nogg on you. You’re such a dirty bitch.
(Collapses behind table. Drinks and spins gun. Produces yellow pages and begins to shift through the pages while singing)
Joy to the world... Sewing machines... the lord has... Success... Come... Sui... Sushi... They daaa. da daaa... Sushi? Is that close enough?
(Dails)
And what bout the body...
(Ri ngs)
They flushed it down the potty
Sushi Restaurant
Hello. We are currently closed for the holidays. Please enjoy our Sushi prepared live by one of our arisian chefs, live in front of you starting Jan 2nd. If you have any other business, please leave your message after the beep.
Tom
Suicide hotline? I know it’s Christmas and all and I know you probably are all at home opening little timmys fire truck or eating a veagan supper and smoking pot and I know that this is strange call but...
Sushi Restaurant
Beep.
Tom
Hello. Ummm. I was hoping you could tell me who to call if I needed some suicide... suicide counseling. Ummm
Sushi Restaurant
Beep.
Tom
(Singing) And what about the body... flushed it down the potty...
(Thumbing through yellow pages. Dials number and operator appears at computer on headset)
Operator
How may I connect your call?
Tom
Hey operator?
Operator
How may I connect your call?
Tom
Information
Operator
How...
Tom
Get me Jesus... on the line. Operator... yada yada.... good friend of mine.
(Operator goes dark)
Tom
(Dialing) Joy to the world...
Operator
How may I connect your call?
Tom
I’m looking for a sushi restaurant.
Operator
City and state Please.
Tom
Yes. I agree.
Operator
What city and state are looking for this in.
Tom
Oh, any state will do. Say. What are you plans tonight?
Operator
City and State please.
Tom
I’m serious.
Operator
I’m going home.
Tom
Hey! I’m already there! When Can I expect you?
Operator
I’m afraid I’m going to have to terminate this call...
Tom
Seriously. I’m thinking of killing myself and I don’t have the foggiest Idea who to call.
Operator
911 sir. Would you like me to connect you?
Tom
Naw. I’m pretty sure I’d shoot myself if a police man came and took me to an emergency room to watch ‘it’s a wonderful life,’ at low volume while people bleed to death around me. What’s with it with suicide and the holidays anyway?
Operator
I am connecting you to your local emergency professionals.
Tom
Sweet!
(Tom hangs up. Drinks and stands)
Tom
Sohpia, baby. I have to tell you something. Mr Slate at the quarry didn’t give us that Christmas bonus. In fact there is no quarry. I telemarket. I’m broke. I spent my last dime on this ring. I sold my favorite watch to afford it. What? You cut off your fingers to afford a watch chain? How will you masturbate? OH I wish I’d bought that diesel powered vibrator like my mother suggested. Sophia? I have some more bad news. You don’t exist. I guess that’s good news, really. Your a real bitch. Joy to the world... (dails)
Operator
How may I direct...
Tom
We’ll meet again. Don’t know where.... don’t know when...
Operator
How may I connect your call?
Tom
I want to talk to a priest.
Operator
I can connect you to a local church if you give me your city and state.
Tom
Isn’t priced kinda high?
Operator
How may I direct your call...
Tom
So I called this number I saw on a bridge. It directed me to this call center full of sanctimonious basterds in call center... which was hilarious because I called from my own work at a call center. I wanted some kind of referral to a professional who could medicate me and slap me on the ass and get me back to my miserable life. The sanctimonious bitch on the other side implied I didn’t have the balls to do it, and my suicide talk was ‘an ask for help.’ See, I was calling her to ask her for help and after a twenty minute phone conversation she concludes I was asking for help. I did manage one number out of her. It was a doctor about 50 miles away. I dialed, got a machine. ‘Please leave your name, number and nature of your illness. If you don’t have insurance, dail this number.’ ‘That,’ number was the suicide hotline. Connect me with a senator.
Operator
How may I direct your call?
Tom
I want to speak to senator Gordon Smith.
Operator
City and State?
Tom
Portland Oregon.
Operator
I am connecting you sir. Please hang on.
Tom
(Singing) Well it’s a long long time...
Operator
Thank you for dialing 911. All our operators are busy...
Tom
Bitch!
(Hangs up)
Tom
Fido! Bring me my slippers. Bad Fido. Not the head of my infant son!
(Dails phone)
Tom
When somebody loves you... it’s no good in less they love you...
Operator
How may I direct your call?
Tom
There are emergency rooms, I know. But are there... what am I looking for here?
Operator
I don’t know sir.
Tom
(Sighs and drinks heavily)
Operator
Would you like to be connected to 911?
Tom
Yeah, you better.
(puts down phone)
Fade
posted by Bloodnock at 1:31 PM
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