Spalding Gray is Dead
Spalding Gray is Dead
by P.L.Carrico
Setting
A Room being painted.
Dramatics Personae
Tom A young bitter man
Emily A woman
Empty stage. Tom is behind the audience, unseen, Emily is behind a flat.
Emily
Tom! You go to the bathroom, wash your hands and get out of there.
Tom
What? What? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do (Cough) think...
Emily
Tom! I know what your doing!
Tom
You know what I’m doing? I’m in the bathroom... it’s no big secret.
Emily
I doubt you went to the bathroom.
Tom
What?
Enter Emily
Emily
Get out of there..
Enter Tom
Tom
Not that I looked, but there’s some awsome pills in there.
Emily
Not that you looked... you could just sence it. You better not have had any.
Tom
Baby. Emily baby. Baby. Emily baby. Look at me...
Emily
I’m serious, Tom. Stop fucking around.
Tom
I love you baby.
Emily
If oyu loved me...
Tom
If I loved you?
Emily
You’d have sanded these damn basebords by now.
Tom
Is that all it takes? Baby. Emily baby. I’ll sand your basebords.
Emily
We’re two days behind already. After this room, we have to cut in in the kitchen, re do the ceilings in the bedroom...
Tom
And sand the basebords.
Emily
Yes. Here. Get to it.
Tom
I love manual labor, almost as much as I love you.
Tom begins to sand. He devises a rythm with the sanding paper.
Tom
I’m sanding away my sanity
I’m lifting layers
of vanity
Be it erudition
intuition
or just pain old...
um...
Emily?
Emily
No.
Tom
Emily, I’m serious. I have serious questions for you. Emily?
Emily
What?
Tom
Emily?
Emily
Yes Tom?
Tom
How do I know when the basebords are ready for paint?
Emily
When they aren’t shining anymore.
Tom
They weren’t exactly shining to begin with.
Emily
I know, but they were reflecting light. Move your head, you’ll see it.
Tom
Move my head?
Emily
You know, to see the sheen. I have these acrylic laytexs. If you don’t do it right, the paint comes right off again. Then you have to do the whole room again.
Tom
Are you sure I should be doing this then?
Emily
There is so little else I trust you with, dear. I have to have you do somthing or I’ll neve rget this done.
Tom
Is there a way tto make this fun?
Emily
No.
Tom
Your so harsh.
Emily
It isn’t fun, Tom.
Tom
If you were really a genious, you could make this fun for me.
Emily
I think this is fun for you, just not me.
Tom
Why?
Emily
Cause I’m stressed out.
Tom
I’m sanding!
Emily
But your exaserbating me!
Tom
I’m sorry. I am. I just hate silence.
Emily
Turn on the radio.
Tom
Fine. Fine.
Emily
Somthing with talk.
Tom
Why?
Emily
Because, I can’t stand it when you sing along with the radio, Tom.
Tom
Your so harsh today.
Emily
Tom, baby. We have to finish this today.
Tom
Fine
Turns on the radio.
Radio
And in entertainment news, noted monologist, Spalding Gray was found in the East River In New York today, dead of an aparent suicide. We’ll have more on him after these headlines...
Tom
Ewww. Wow. Spalding Gray is dead.
Emily
Yeah, there goes another one.
Tom
Another what?
Emily
Another one of the great artists... or what ever.
Tom
Do you think he was great?
Emily
I never got into him so much.
Tom
Dead.
Sands
Emily
Well at least that shut you up.
Tom
Sure as hell shut him up.
Emily
Ok what I need you to do now is cut in from the molding.
Tom
Cut in?
Emily
Yeah. See, I’m going to roll the pain on with a roller, but I can’t roll over the molding... see?
Tom
Ah. So I’m... uh... filling in the spots... how far.
Emily
Oh... Four inches. I’m gonna be following you.
Tom
Like this?
Emily
yeah. Hold your brush differently. Um, likme this. See how the paint looks under it?
Tom
My hand is shaking. To much preasure. No I can do this. I’m kidding.
Emily
Yeah. Your doing much better than usual.
Tom
baby. I’m a natural. Ya know, when Bethoveen died, his fans tore him to shreds in the streets to get a souvenier. There was a outpouring of grief.
Emily
Yeah?
TOm
Yeah, and they analyzed some of that hair recently and found he had just about every STD known to man.
Emiy
...And is that suposed to be anotehr reason to revere him.
Tom
Nooo.... well, yeah. No. Maybe.
Emily
Whatch what your doing.
Tom
I am. Oh. Leme get a rag.
Emily
Did you take anyhting from that bathroom.
Tom
No! Just because II’m talking about Bethoveen being torn to shreds in the streets and sluring my words doesn’t mean I took some kind of narcotic.
Emily
Only with you.
Tom
Do I get the rag wet?
Emily
Don’t lick it...
Tom
Too late. Am I gonnna die of poisoning?
Emily
Yeah, but not anytime soon. Not till after I cook you diner.
Tom
Serious? Am I gonna get sick from licking this rag?
Emily
Well, it’s just unhiegenic to pick somthing off the floor and lick it.
Tom
Oh, you say that everytime I try to get you to lick somthing.
Emily
Ok, we got alot more paintiing to do, young man.
Tom
Not to sound bitter, or anyhting... but Spalding was born... into a climate... where he could sucseed.
Emily
Can’t you?
Tom
Not as easily.
Emily
Why?
Tom
Well. I mean alot of reasons. You’re an artist too.
Emily
I know. I’m asking. Sinserly, ‘why not?’
Tom
Well, there were patrons back then. Hell, none of our friends would come to a show.
Emily
That’s kind of true. Is it because we have the wrong friends?
Tom
Well, I like my friends.
Emily
I should hope so. Why wouldnt Nate see a show of yours? I mean, why? I dont know. Again I’m asking.
Tom
I don’t know. I think art really doesn’t have all that much to do with him.
Emily
Did it when Spalding was younger?
Tom
I think so. I mean I wasn’t there...
(Sarcasticly) You don’t understand me. You never did.
Emily
Never will.
Tom
You know it hurts me.
Emily
Does it?
Tom
Yes it does.
Emily
what.
Tom
Kneeling on this pen.
Emily
Watch your drips.
Tom
You watch your drips.
Emily
Im serious.
Tom
I know. What ever happened to the good times?
Emily
I change my mind. I think I actualy prefer you in rambling mode.
Tom
Whats more important?
Emily
Money.
Tom
You didn’t let me finish. Whats more important. Shoes or art?
Emily
That’s a tough one. What’s more important to you? Cabbage or inflation?
Tom
You don’t understand. There once... long ago... was a discusion in art about which was more important, the workers making shoes to wear, or the soiety having art.
Emily
Was it one or the other?
Tom
Kind of. In times of scarcity.
Emily
So in times of scarcity, there was some Eastern European Parliment meeting in which they had to decde on having either art or shoes the next year?
Tom
Well, kind of. Yeah... lets say there was.
Emily
Ok. No really.
Tom
So which is more important? Art or shoes?
Emily
I’ll have to go with what you said.
Tom
I didn’t.
Emily
And I agree.
Tom
I think shoes are more important.
Emily
No you don’t.
Tom
Yes I do.
Emily
If you thought shoes were more important, you’d spend more time working and not have your mom come buy you shoes.
Tom
But I buy shoes...
Emily
Watch how I’m doing this. You start with the roller in the center, then make even strokes. You have to cover the old layer.
Tom
What if the new owners dont want everything white?
Emily
They’lll paint it again.
Tom
Why not leave it and let them decide themselves?
Emily
This layer is a primer... so the colors dont show through or bleed.
Tom
Oh. THis depresses me.
Emily
Everything depresses you. The Dress Barn depresses you.
Tom
When are the owners coming home?
Emily
Like an hour.
Tom
Oh. An honest days labor behind me. Who’d a thought.
Emily
Yeah.
Tom
I’m stinky and sexy.
Emily
Is that what you are?
Tom
Your stinky and sexy.
Emily
Thanks. You really know how to make a girl feel special.
Tom
That’s what Nate always says.
Emily
Tom. We’re not done.
Tom
I know where not done. I havn’t even begun.
Emily
Painting...
Tom
Your fainting?
Emily
No... don’t. Stop.
Tom
Don’t stop?
Emily
No. Not here.
Tom
Your’e no fun anymore.
Emily
Well, maybe...
Tom
Maybe what?
Emily
Life isn’t as fun as it was anymore.
Tom
That’s depressing.
Emily
Yes it is. Boo Hoo. Go around and repaint parts that show through.
He complies
Emily
Tom. Later. I promise.
Tom
Later? During the apointed time slot?
Emily
You have to somday realize you have to do some work and not sit and be entertained by life all the time.
Tom
I don’t want to be entertained by life all the time. Just somtimes. Impulsively. What ever. I get it. Your gonna marry a car salesman when you can’t sstand my poverty anymore, move to the burbs and leed a dull life...
Emily
What? What is it? 1960? Where do you come off saying somthing so inane? Are those the alternatives? If I don’t have sex with you, I’m doomed to a suburban lifestyle? Doomed too. I’d prefer it to living either estaticly happy and high or suicidaly depressed. Anyway. Lets finish.
Pause
Tom
Guess all my heroes are all dead.
Pause
Emily
That should be a blessing.
Tom
How so? Makes me feel lonely.
Emily
You know, asshole... what makes me feel lonely? I’m asking. I wanna know if you know.
Tom
I don’t know. Umm.
Emily
Working this job with you, because you dick around.... and I have to do the hard stuff and I feel like I’m in it alone.
Pause
Tom
That made me feel lonely.
Emily
Well, we both learned somthing today, didn’t we kids.
Tom
All my heros are dead...
Emily
So make some new ones.
Tom
You sure you don’t want a vicodin or Lorazapam from the medicine cabinet.
Emily
You asshole. I think were done. I can’t see any of the old color showing through.
Tom
II’m sorry, Emily. My mind just races and I can’t stop it... it’s like a nervous habit.
Emily
I know. Lets go. I hate talking to the owners of a site. You got everything? Help me with the drop.
Tom
Wanna get drunk and sing kareoke tonight.
Emily
I guess.
Tom
Will you sing ‘Your so vain,’ distainfuly to me, then make out with me in the booth.
Emily
Fine. You ready?
Tom
Yeah, lets go.
Exit through audience
Tom
Just lemme go to the bathroom.
Emily
Ok... No you dont. You can go when we get home.
by P.L.Carrico
Setting
A Room being painted.
Dramatics Personae
Tom A young bitter man
Emily A woman
Empty stage. Tom is behind the audience, unseen, Emily is behind a flat.
Emily
Tom! You go to the bathroom, wash your hands and get out of there.
Tom
What? What? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do (Cough) think...
Emily
Tom! I know what your doing!
Tom
You know what I’m doing? I’m in the bathroom... it’s no big secret.
Emily
I doubt you went to the bathroom.
Tom
What?
Enter Emily
Emily
Get out of there..
Enter Tom
Tom
Not that I looked, but there’s some awsome pills in there.
Emily
Not that you looked... you could just sence it. You better not have had any.
Tom
Baby. Emily baby. Baby. Emily baby. Look at me...
Emily
I’m serious, Tom. Stop fucking around.
Tom
I love you baby.
Emily
If oyu loved me...
Tom
If I loved you?
Emily
You’d have sanded these damn basebords by now.
Tom
Is that all it takes? Baby. Emily baby. I’ll sand your basebords.
Emily
We’re two days behind already. After this room, we have to cut in in the kitchen, re do the ceilings in the bedroom...
Tom
And sand the basebords.
Emily
Yes. Here. Get to it.
Tom
I love manual labor, almost as much as I love you.
Tom begins to sand. He devises a rythm with the sanding paper.
Tom
I’m sanding away my sanity
I’m lifting layers
of vanity
Be it erudition
intuition
or just pain old...
um...
Emily?
Emily
No.
Tom
Emily, I’m serious. I have serious questions for you. Emily?
Emily
What?
Tom
Emily?
Emily
Yes Tom?
Tom
How do I know when the basebords are ready for paint?
Emily
When they aren’t shining anymore.
Tom
They weren’t exactly shining to begin with.
Emily
I know, but they were reflecting light. Move your head, you’ll see it.
Tom
Move my head?
Emily
You know, to see the sheen. I have these acrylic laytexs. If you don’t do it right, the paint comes right off again. Then you have to do the whole room again.
Tom
Are you sure I should be doing this then?
Emily
There is so little else I trust you with, dear. I have to have you do somthing or I’ll neve rget this done.
Tom
Is there a way tto make this fun?
Emily
No.
Tom
Your so harsh.
Emily
It isn’t fun, Tom.
Tom
If you were really a genious, you could make this fun for me.
Emily
I think this is fun for you, just not me.
Tom
Why?
Emily
Cause I’m stressed out.
Tom
I’m sanding!
Emily
But your exaserbating me!
Tom
I’m sorry. I am. I just hate silence.
Emily
Turn on the radio.
Tom
Fine. Fine.
Emily
Somthing with talk.
Tom
Why?
Emily
Because, I can’t stand it when you sing along with the radio, Tom.
Tom
Your so harsh today.
Emily
Tom, baby. We have to finish this today.
Tom
Fine
Turns on the radio.
Radio
And in entertainment news, noted monologist, Spalding Gray was found in the East River In New York today, dead of an aparent suicide. We’ll have more on him after these headlines...
Tom
Ewww. Wow. Spalding Gray is dead.
Emily
Yeah, there goes another one.
Tom
Another what?
Emily
Another one of the great artists... or what ever.
Tom
Do you think he was great?
Emily
I never got into him so much.
Tom
Dead.
Sands
Emily
Well at least that shut you up.
Tom
Sure as hell shut him up.
Emily
Ok what I need you to do now is cut in from the molding.
Tom
Cut in?
Emily
Yeah. See, I’m going to roll the pain on with a roller, but I can’t roll over the molding... see?
Tom
Ah. So I’m... uh... filling in the spots... how far.
Emily
Oh... Four inches. I’m gonna be following you.
Tom
Like this?
Emily
yeah. Hold your brush differently. Um, likme this. See how the paint looks under it?
Tom
My hand is shaking. To much preasure. No I can do this. I’m kidding.
Emily
Yeah. Your doing much better than usual.
Tom
baby. I’m a natural. Ya know, when Bethoveen died, his fans tore him to shreds in the streets to get a souvenier. There was a outpouring of grief.
Emily
Yeah?
TOm
Yeah, and they analyzed some of that hair recently and found he had just about every STD known to man.
Emiy
...And is that suposed to be anotehr reason to revere him.
Tom
Nooo.... well, yeah. No. Maybe.
Emily
Whatch what your doing.
Tom
I am. Oh. Leme get a rag.
Emily
Did you take anyhting from that bathroom.
Tom
No! Just because II’m talking about Bethoveen being torn to shreds in the streets and sluring my words doesn’t mean I took some kind of narcotic.
Emily
Only with you.
Tom
Do I get the rag wet?
Emily
Don’t lick it...
Tom
Too late. Am I gonnna die of poisoning?
Emily
Yeah, but not anytime soon. Not till after I cook you diner.
Tom
Serious? Am I gonna get sick from licking this rag?
Emily
Well, it’s just unhiegenic to pick somthing off the floor and lick it.
Tom
Oh, you say that everytime I try to get you to lick somthing.
Emily
Ok, we got alot more paintiing to do, young man.
Tom
Not to sound bitter, or anyhting... but Spalding was born... into a climate... where he could sucseed.
Emily
Can’t you?
Tom
Not as easily.
Emily
Why?
Tom
Well. I mean alot of reasons. You’re an artist too.
Emily
I know. I’m asking. Sinserly, ‘why not?’
Tom
Well, there were patrons back then. Hell, none of our friends would come to a show.
Emily
That’s kind of true. Is it because we have the wrong friends?
Tom
Well, I like my friends.
Emily
I should hope so. Why wouldnt Nate see a show of yours? I mean, why? I dont know. Again I’m asking.
Tom
I don’t know. I think art really doesn’t have all that much to do with him.
Emily
Did it when Spalding was younger?
Tom
I think so. I mean I wasn’t there...
(Sarcasticly) You don’t understand me. You never did.
Emily
Never will.
Tom
You know it hurts me.
Emily
Does it?
Tom
Yes it does.
Emily
what.
Tom
Kneeling on this pen.
Emily
Watch your drips.
Tom
You watch your drips.
Emily
Im serious.
Tom
I know. What ever happened to the good times?
Emily
I change my mind. I think I actualy prefer you in rambling mode.
Tom
Whats more important?
Emily
Money.
Tom
You didn’t let me finish. Whats more important. Shoes or art?
Emily
That’s a tough one. What’s more important to you? Cabbage or inflation?
Tom
You don’t understand. There once... long ago... was a discusion in art about which was more important, the workers making shoes to wear, or the soiety having art.
Emily
Was it one or the other?
Tom
Kind of. In times of scarcity.
Emily
So in times of scarcity, there was some Eastern European Parliment meeting in which they had to decde on having either art or shoes the next year?
Tom
Well, kind of. Yeah... lets say there was.
Emily
Ok. No really.
Tom
So which is more important? Art or shoes?
Emily
I’ll have to go with what you said.
Tom
I didn’t.
Emily
And I agree.
Tom
I think shoes are more important.
Emily
No you don’t.
Tom
Yes I do.
Emily
If you thought shoes were more important, you’d spend more time working and not have your mom come buy you shoes.
Tom
But I buy shoes...
Emily
Watch how I’m doing this. You start with the roller in the center, then make even strokes. You have to cover the old layer.
Tom
What if the new owners dont want everything white?
Emily
They’lll paint it again.
Tom
Why not leave it and let them decide themselves?
Emily
This layer is a primer... so the colors dont show through or bleed.
Tom
Oh. THis depresses me.
Emily
Everything depresses you. The Dress Barn depresses you.
Tom
When are the owners coming home?
Emily
Like an hour.
Tom
Oh. An honest days labor behind me. Who’d a thought.
Emily
Yeah.
Tom
I’m stinky and sexy.
Emily
Is that what you are?
Tom
Your stinky and sexy.
Emily
Thanks. You really know how to make a girl feel special.
Tom
That’s what Nate always says.
Emily
Tom. We’re not done.
Tom
I know where not done. I havn’t even begun.
Emily
Painting...
Tom
Your fainting?
Emily
No... don’t. Stop.
Tom
Don’t stop?
Emily
No. Not here.
Tom
Your’e no fun anymore.
Emily
Well, maybe...
Tom
Maybe what?
Emily
Life isn’t as fun as it was anymore.
Tom
That’s depressing.
Emily
Yes it is. Boo Hoo. Go around and repaint parts that show through.
He complies
Emily
Tom. Later. I promise.
Tom
Later? During the apointed time slot?
Emily
You have to somday realize you have to do some work and not sit and be entertained by life all the time.
Tom
I don’t want to be entertained by life all the time. Just somtimes. Impulsively. What ever. I get it. Your gonna marry a car salesman when you can’t sstand my poverty anymore, move to the burbs and leed a dull life...
Emily
What? What is it? 1960? Where do you come off saying somthing so inane? Are those the alternatives? If I don’t have sex with you, I’m doomed to a suburban lifestyle? Doomed too. I’d prefer it to living either estaticly happy and high or suicidaly depressed. Anyway. Lets finish.
Pause
Tom
Guess all my heroes are all dead.
Pause
Emily
That should be a blessing.
Tom
How so? Makes me feel lonely.
Emily
You know, asshole... what makes me feel lonely? I’m asking. I wanna know if you know.
Tom
I don’t know. Umm.
Emily
Working this job with you, because you dick around.... and I have to do the hard stuff and I feel like I’m in it alone.
Pause
Tom
That made me feel lonely.
Emily
Well, we both learned somthing today, didn’t we kids.
Tom
All my heros are dead...
Emily
So make some new ones.
Tom
You sure you don’t want a vicodin or Lorazapam from the medicine cabinet.
Emily
You asshole. I think were done. I can’t see any of the old color showing through.
Tom
II’m sorry, Emily. My mind just races and I can’t stop it... it’s like a nervous habit.
Emily
I know. Lets go. I hate talking to the owners of a site. You got everything? Help me with the drop.
Tom
Wanna get drunk and sing kareoke tonight.
Emily
I guess.
Tom
Will you sing ‘Your so vain,’ distainfuly to me, then make out with me in the booth.
Emily
Fine. You ready?
Tom
Yeah, lets go.
Exit through audience
Tom
Just lemme go to the bathroom.
Emily
Ok... No you dont. You can go when we get home.
posted by Bloodnock at 11:14 AM
1 comments
